Poltergeist Vandals!
Shopping Centers and Offices Targeted by Haunted Troublemakers!
Greetings, chums! Casey O’Malley here with some more spooky news of some paranormal delinquents!
Man Haunted By Shopping Cart
NEWS FLASH!!! You know how stores encourage you to return your shopping cart to the designated pins in the parking lot? Well, now we know why: lone shopping carts can become the targets of ghostly mischief!
That’s what Texas man and ghost-hunting enthusiast, Coby Todd, found out while returning to his vehicle. Apparently, he P.O.’d the wrong spirit and that spirit retaliated by slamming a shopping cart right into his car! Oof, too bad most insurance companies don’t have coverage for paranormal delinquents, Coby! (Say, did ol’ Casey just come up with a new insurance business?)
Coby thinks the ghost was a young boy who followed him from the haunted house he visited the day before the incident. He is unsure of the boy’s motivations, but he suspects the boy was either being playful or trying to tell him he still has some incomplete work on this plane of existence. You can never tell with these things.
Whatever the reason, I sure hope I don’t make any enemies with young boys who might try damaging my Oldsmobile to teach me a lesson!
Ghost Breaks Man’s Mug and Shoves a Chair
NEWS FLASH!!! A Columbian man working the graveyard shift got an eerie surprise when some ghost said, “You’ve had enough coffee!” and shoved his mug on the floor!
Still staring at his computer, David said he thought the mug slid off the table on its own. However, when he moved a chair to sweep up the mess, that ghost said, “I like that mess where it is!” and shoved the chair back!
David had enough at that point and let the ghost cover the rest of his shift, but he checked the security footage later to confirm invisible forces were indeed afoot that night!
What do you think? Is it a hoax or the ghost of the most annoying co-worker ever?
You can read the full story and see the unedited video here:
Counterpoint Op-ed:
Mr. O’Malley’s Being Super Nice to Me!
By Jimmy Thompson, age 10
Hello, my name is Jimmy Thompson. I’m in the 4th grade, and I live next door to Mr. O’Malley. Lately, he’s been acting real strange around me!
Most of the time when I walk by and he’s watering his lawn, I say, “Hi, Mr. O’Malley!”
Then he’ll say something back like, “Stay on the sidewalk, brat.” Or “Get, you!” Or “Go tell your old man to quit reproducing!”
My pops says Mr. O’Malley’s just a sad man who’s bitter about his failed marriage, so I don’t take his comments too personal or nothin. I think those things are just Mr. O’Malley’s way of saying, “Hi, Jimmy!”
But lately, Mr. O’Malley actually started being real nice to me! Like the other day, he was out washing his Oldsmobile, and when I said, “Afternoon, Mr. O’Malley!” he just stared at me with this weird look on his face. He kinda looked scared!
So I says, “Mr. O’Malley, you okay, sir? You look like you just saw a ghost!”
After that he says, “Ghost? You’re not a ghost. Not yet. I mean, say Jimmy, how would you like a shiny silver dollar?”
And I said, “Holy moly, a silver dollar? Yes, sir! You want me to trim your shrubs or somethin?”
And he says, “No, Jimmy. I just want you to keep bein you, son. Go buy yourself an ice cream or something kids like.”
And I says, “A whole dollar, just for nothin!? Gee whiz, Mr. O’Malley, that’s swell!”
And then he says, “Just remember, if you die or anything and decide to come back as a ghost, I was the man with the Oldsmobile who gave you a dollar.”
And I was like, “Huh? Like when I’m in heaven?”
And he says, “Like if you don’t make it to heaven and you're a ghost, just leave my car alone.”
And then I was real confused, so I said, “Is everything okay with you and Mrs. O’Malley, sir?”
Then Mr. O’Malley got this real annoyed look and says, “Scram, you brat, before I decide to take that dollar back.”
I’m still not sure why he gave me that silver dollar, but now every time I walk by and say, “Hiya, Mr. O’Malley!” He just looks at me real serious-like and sometimes he’ll toss me a nickel or somethin. I always knew he was a nice guy deep down. Too bad he’s just the victim of loveless marriage and stuff.
Casey O’Malley is a self-proclaimed expert on paranormal activity, high strangeness, and unidentified flying objects. He is best known for his Instagram account, @flyingsaucersareswell, which he claims was shadow-banned by a secret government agency because he “knew too much.” However, we checked and found the account is still active if you’d like to see what he knew so much about. Casey enjoys pipes, Manhattans, and science fiction movies featuring giant insects.
Jimmy Thompson is in the 4th grade at Hamilton Elementary School. Last week he got a B+ in Science, but only a C in Spelling. He enjoys baseball, airplanes, and talking to Mr. O’Malley sometimes. On the weekend, you can find him at his favorite spot in the woods: an old treehouse whose makers are a mystery to Jimmy, but it is pretty neat.