Opinion: Make UFOs Great Again!
Alien “Creative Freedom” is Ruining Everything!
Greetings, citizens of Earth!
Casey O’Malley here with some bizarre--albeit disappointing--UFO footage to talk about. This week revealed footage of what may be the strangest UFO yet: a floating jellyfish!!?!?
I mean, come on! WHAAAAAATTT???
In all my years of being a UFO enthusiast, never did I think aliens would come up with something so dumb! What is this, an alien practical joke? Where are my slick, chrome flying saucers? Where are my cigar shaped rockets? Do you mean to tell me some aliens got together and thought it would be a good idea to make a ship shaped like the dumbest fish in the ocean that can barely swim--much less look cool with all that junk hanging off its bottom?
MOST DISAPPOINTING UFO FOOTAGE EVER!
End of story. Nothing else to say here.
Well, I have to admit ol’ Casey was a little more excited about this video when I heard a pilot spotted a triangle shaped UFO last month. That is until I played the video, and it’s just a lousy flight path graphic while two yahoos talk about a triangle shaped object without even showing a picture! The nerve!
Most disappointing of all, the object described isn’t even the classic, sexy black triangle with three spotlights on the bottom. This one looked like a 30 foot pyramid flipped over that just started floating. I mean, better than a jellyfish, but really?
Whoever is taking over product design for the extraterrestrials needs to get off their high horse and get back to the basics. If I don’t start seeing more classic saucers with Gort and Klaatu driving them, I may be done with the UFO game for good!
I need a drink.
Counterpoint Op-ed:
My Husband’s Beautiful Mind:
The Troubled Life of an Underappreciated Genius
By Judy O’Malley
Hello readers and followers of my husband’s extraordinary yet so often misunderstood opinion column, The Latest Strangeness with Casey O’Malley. As many of you are well aware, for decades now, my husband has been a pioneer in the study of Ufology. Since our marriage began, there has rarely been a night Casey did not spend in the back yard with his Sears telescope and a glass of whiskey, tirelessly scanning the skies for Unidentified Flying Objects, better known as U.F.O.s.
To many on the outside, such commitment may appear as a useless hobby or an excuse to leave the house when he was tired of hearing the truth for a change about his dead-end job. But I know different. I know if Casey would just apply himself to sales the way he does to flying saucers, he could find a new, even better position somewhere else.
Casey is a man who has a passion in life for finding the truth and proving once and for all we are not alone in the universe--even if that’s how his wife feels in bed every night when he is passed out drunk on the lawn again.
If the world could only see how persistently he goes to his attic in the garage to pound away on his typewriter about his wild theories--theories so complex that at first glance they may appear like the ramblings of a homeless man. However, having read through his notes in private while he snored on the desk, even a simple-minded homemaker like myself could recognize his are ideas “only the brightest minds of our generation could begin to understand.”
I know this because he wrote that exact phrase several times throughout his papers. It seems with such confidence in himself, he could surely succeed at even the most demanding challenges a well paying company could throw at him.
Yes, I know some will make fun of my husband and call him a fool, or a lunatic, or a hack, or a drunk, or a failure as a human, or a dead-beat who can’t hold a steady job, or a self-absorbed chauvinist whose only redeeming quality is his chiseled chin, but not me. I depend on my husband to provide me my everyday simple luxuries such as heat, water, and electricity. But the occasional Louis Vuitton handbag would be nice.
You see, I’m the one who knows the real Casey. The Casey who would love nothing more than to make contact with the aliens. The Casey who wants to understand their knowledge and advanced technologies for the betterment of all mankind. The Casey who would selflessly sacrifice himself to invasive sexual experiments involving aliens with long hair and excessively large mammary glands so others would not have to suffer. I would not be jealous of such important relations so long as when he was done he could make it on time to a decent desk job at a Fortune 500 company.
Casey O’Malley may appear as an insane idiot to many, but as his wife of too many years, I am here to confirm to you all: he is an American hero who will have his moment to shine so long as he can sober up long enough to update his resume before continuing his grand science fiction novel.
Thank you for letting me share my praises for the man in my life. Please let us know if you know of any openings in sales, or even a good fry cook position at this point.
Best,
Judy
Casey O’Malley is a self-proclaimed expert on paranormal activity, high strangeness, and unidentified flying objects. He is best known for his Instagram account, @flyingsaucersareswell, which he claims was shadow-banned by a secret government agency because he “knew too much.” However, we checked and found the account is still active if you’d like to see what he knew so much about. Casey enjoys pipes, Manhattans, and science fiction movies featuring giant insects.
Judy O’Malley is a homemaker whose obsessive compulsive disorder compels her to regularly bake an unreasonable amount of homemade pies. While Judy never had much interest in science fiction or UFO’s growing up, she has now written and published multiple short stories in sci-fi magazines. These achievements were done mostly out of spite toward her husband who is “writing” constantly in the attic but has yet to publish a single story. Judy enjoys baking, bridge games, and “I Love Lucy” episodes centered around Ethel.