Aliens Crave the Beef!
The Latest Cow Mutilation, Time Lapse U.F.O.'s, and a Man In Black!
Greetings, Earthlings! Casey here with some recent strangeness that’s going to blow your mind! Let’s dive in:
Cow Mutilation is Back!
NEWS FLASH! It looks like the decades old trend of mysterious cow mutilations is continuing in Oregon! A cow was recently found dead there with all the tell-tale signs of an alien hit-job: blood drained; eyes, tongue, and privates removed with surgical precision; and no evidence of tracks surrounding the body. Not sure what recipe asks for blood and eyeballs, but I think it is pretty obvious the perps must be alien. Who else would leave all the best parts of the cow to rot when they could be eating steaks like kings? Savage!!!
U.F.O.s Over the Outer Banks!
NEWS FLASH! A photographer taking time-lapsed photography of the Milky Way off the coast of North Carolina may have caught U.F.O.s in his film! If you watch the video, you can see some swirly red trails on the horizon that are distinctly different from the straight trails left by airplanes. Some are saying maybe they are just military drones with lights, but are they? After watching the video, I’m convinced: there’s aliens at the beach!
Counterpoint Op-ed:
You Best Forget Anything Casey O’Malley Says
by a Man In Black
Hello, person. Casey O’Malley’s stories are not real. What you just read is complete fiction and utterly false. None of what he said actually happened. If you claim it did, I will find you and tell you again the stories are false, except I will do it in a scarier way.
To start, you will get random phone calls with me on the other end breathing heavily. After a while, I might say the name of your loved one or pet as if to imply they will be in danger if you keep claiming Casey’s stories are real. They aren’t. U.F.O.s don’t exist. Strange lights are just swamp gas and ball lightning. If you claim otherwise, I will stand outside your place of business and wait for you to see me looking at you. Then when you try to ask me who I am, I will walk away quickly and disappear in a dead-end alley.
I can do scary stuff like that all day. All because I don’t want you to start believing Casey’s crackpot theories. If you do start believing them and telling others you do, I might drive behind you in a 1950’s black Sudan with the high-beams on. I’ll ride your bumper like a real jerk making you go faster and faster until you get so freaked out you drive off into a ditch. Then you’ll only catch a glimpse of my profile in the driver’s seat as I continue on past your car as if nothing happened.
Still think all that garbage Casey wrote is real? Well don’t because if you do, I might come into a public restroom while you are in a stall. When you look through the crack of the stall door, I’ll make sure you catch a glimpse of my unnatural rubbery face in the mirror that looks like a poor attempt to disguise me as a human. I will be quietly washing my pale hands when suddenly I speak your name out loud as if I knew you were in there the whole time. Then I’ll say something like, “I think it would be in your best interest to agree: Casey O’Malley is a buffoon and his stories are completely false. Goodbye [your name].”
I hope we have an understanding. Casey O’Malley’s made up stories are completely dumb. Don’t agree? I will be in touch.
Casey O’Malley is a self-proclaimed expert on paranormal activity, high strangeness, and unidentified flying objects. He is best known for his Instagram account, @flyingsaucersareswell, which he claims was shadow-banned by a secret government agency because he “knew too much.” However, we checked and found the account is still active if you’d like to see what he knew so much about. Casey enjoys pipes, Manhattans, and science fiction movies featuring giant insects.
Man In Black works for an undisclosed government agency. His work includes finding people who ask too many questions and getting them to stop asking questions. He enjoys reading classified files, driving at night with the headlights off, and finding the perfect hat.
